Tazama Chapaa that was never was

Chikoo Guantai, though shabbily dressed moved on the silver screen with the grace of a cat. I noticed that her hair was not completely kempt and in my mind I was telling myself that during my heydays I would not have wanted to date her. 

I was still doing an analysis of her looks in my mind when I was woken up from my reverie when she announced my name.

 “Today’s winner in our continuing Tazama Chapaa 8028 is ….”

You win yourself Kshs 500,000

I was not sure that I had heard her clearly and wanted to confirm that it was me.

“She just mentioned your name…” my wife told with a girlish look in her eyes.

“Okay, Okay, let’s wait and confirm that it’s me, there could be other me’s out there.

The winning telephone number is 0 7 2 xxxx

Yes that’s mine,

“xx,”

“Ngai namba iyo nita yakwa”,

“x”

By now my heart was pumping in my ears. I could hear the drums rolling in my stomach and every muscle was tense and twitching as I waited for the final confirmation.

“”

“Did she say nine or one? “ I asked. I had not heard correctly as there was too much noise in my ears, what with the heart having shifted from the rib cage to pump blood from the ears.

Instead of my wife answering, she was all over me with and all I can remember is that there was something moving inside my mouth. She was kissing me deeply despite her perennial refusal in the past on the grounds that my mouth stank. Trust Tazama Chapaa she forgot all the evils of halitosis smell and was now rubber stamping why we were meant for each other and confirming that our marriage was made in heaven.

No sooner had she finished with the French kiss business than a stream of questions started flying from her mouth.

“When will you go pick the money, what present will you buy me? Do you remember that our fridge packed and we need to buy a new one? By the way there are some nice Turkish suits I saw in town, will you buy me one”

As the stream of questions became a torrent, my children were also asking me lots of questions about whether I could now buy the car which I had promised to buy for a very long time but hadn’t.

I was still dazed and lost in the moment of glory when my phone rang. It was my father in law.

“Son, I am proud of you,” his usual baritone voice boomed from the wireless end of wherever he was.

“I wanted to congratulate and advice you that you need to spend the money wisely,” he said while asking me when I would be coming home.

“It has been a long time since you came to see us. I still remember you have not finished paying your dowry and as you can see I am growing older. If you are not careful my brothers might be the ones to enjoy the ruracio of my daughter, and I am sure that you don’t want this to happen”

“Yes Father” I said.

“By the way your mother is here and she is telling me to remind you that she is still waiting for the sweater which you promised.”

I had hardly put the phone down when my father called me.

“Hello, how are you. I have heard of your achievement and I am happy for you. I just called to remind you that you have not finished constructing your house here. Alternatively it is not necessary that you do it here, you can buy a plot near here because like you can see, I have started growing old and I need someone to take care of me.”

“Yes Father,” I answered

My mother was next and she wanted to talk to me while I was alone. I therefore had to leave the comfort of my sitting room and talk to her outside. She reminded me that I needed to be careful about my wife because she was likely to take the entire half a million to her family.

She enumerated all the perceived evils and failures of my wife and why she should not even taste a coin of my hard earned tasama shapaa. She even told me that my sister had suggested that she could look for me a nice girl who could replace the monster that I was living with, and which for all intents and purposes was out to finish me.  

“Yes mother, I will look into it,”

“Good, please don’t forget that I want to come to Mombasa, Send me the fare because I want to ensure that that money is wisely spent.”

“Okay “ 

I had hardly sat down on the couch when my friend Ben called to remind me that still I owed him three thousand shillings and which should now be repaid with interest.

“Now that you have money, it should not prove to be a problem, or will it?”

“It won’t,“ I assured him as I made a quick calculation of how little three thousand shillings was in the light of half a million bob.

My Pastor called to remind me that my prayers had been answered. He also reminded me that for the last few months I had not met my obligations and was late in tithings.

“My brother, God loves a cheerful giver. He also tells us to test him with our property and see if he will not open the doors and windows of blessings,” he told me adding that besides tithing I could give an offering of thanksgiving.

“God will bless you mightily, as you plan to spend and also set aside something for the Lord, amen”

  Next was the landlord and anybody else who felt that they staked a claim in the money. They were not left behind in making known that they were related to the new found semi millionaire. Neighbors, cousins, lost friends all made efforts to claim a chunk of the money.

I started feeling a headache and tired that within a span of half an hour I had received so many calls my phone battery went low. I decided to have it charged and as I was standing my head was too heavy to lift and go pick the charger. I decided to focus my hazy eyes and it was then that it dawned on me that I had been in a Tazama Chapaa dream.

I could not believe that I was penniless and that I would still continue watching shabbily dressed Ciku Kantai as she awarded other people. However, I was also happy that I had not won the money for I was not sure I would be able to satisfy the demands of all those people.